


Perryshmirtz Wedding

by LooneyMooney



Series: Stories from an Endless Summer (and Beyond) [1]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: "nemeses" is code for "married", A lot - Freeform, Best man Peter, Doof rants, Everyone knows about Perry, Heinz is such an awkward dork OMG, LOVEMUFFIN - Freeform, Lyla is important, M/M, Marriage ceremony, My best man is a panda, OWCA, Perry and Peter don't hate each other, Perryshmirtz - Freeform, Platypus anatomy, Rodney's a jerk, Wedding, animal/human relationships, basically everyone - Freeform, interesting choice in wedding ceremony dress code, ish, it's cute, meat brick, perry hates lacy fedoras, pre-finale, the platypus and the pharmacist kiss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 03:59:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4248507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LooneyMooney/pseuds/LooneyMooney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus get married. (FINALLY)<br/>Basically, this is how I'd imagine their wedding to go. I wrote this way before "Phineas and Ferb Save Summer," "Night of the Living Pharmacists," "Lost in Danville," or  "Last day of Summer," but after "Sidetracked," Primal Perry," and the second dimension movie. All rights belong to my heroes, Dan and Swampy.</p>
<p>EDIT: now a series of Perryshmirtz oneshots. Deal with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Doofenshmirtz was anxious. Which wasn't really all that surprising, considering the circumstances. He fidgeted with his purple bow tie, glancing nervously around himself. To his left were the groomsmen, all wearing top hats and lab coats, including his best man, Peter the Panda, and a little farther to his right were the bridesmaids, all wearing teal blue dresses and brown fedoras, including the maid of honor, Lyla Lolliberry. In the audience were an assortment of animals, evil scientists, and regular Danville civilians. He could see Carl in the front row, and some bright-looking people whom he assumed were Agent P's host family. He recognised one of them as a girl he had a date with in high school, the one with the orange hair who turned into a pop star… so many people… he whined a little, and Rodney looked at him from behind the pedestal that held the big book. Since, according to the OWCA, he and Perry were already bound for life because of the paperwork he did when he first applied for a nemesis (something he pointed out to Francis after he got an attorney to look over it and the major had threatened relocation when Perry's host family found out about his secret identity), there wasn't really much to do accept legally bind the two using the authority of LOVEMUFFIN. Since Doof and Rodney were co-leaders, and Doof was the one getting married, the only one who had the authority to preform the service was Rodney.

"Heinz, are you ACTUALLY NERVOUS?"

"Shut up, Rodney. I have every right to be nervous, I mean, it's my WEDDING, and did you SEE the amount of people here? What if one of them sees Perry walking up here, and realises that I'm too horrible for him? And, and what if he realises how big a mistake this all is, and, and LEAVES me? Huh?"

"I know I would."

"EXACTLY! Don't you see? He's too GOOD for me! I'm nothing! I'm just the empty shell of a man, raving on and on about my horrible, abusive childhood, and creating crazy machines that literally blow up in my face just because of my horrible ability to hold a petty grudge? Who would marry THAT?"

At this point, Lyla spoke up. "Aw, cheer up, Heinz. I'm sure he wouldn't have agreed to it if he didn't really love you. So let's turn that frown upsidedown, Ay? He's coming."

"Oh, no, I KNOW you, Lyla, and I know you're just saying-" his accusation was halted as the music started. The angelic voices of the fireside girls chorus group started to sing.

"Dooby dooby doo-bah, dooby dooby doo-bah, dooby dooby doo-bah..."

Everyone turned to look at the bride. There stood Perry, wearing a white fedora with ice-blue flowers and a veil, his locket on a chain for all to see, holding a bouquet of flowers (Doofenshmirtz remembered picking them out using the Victorian flower dictionary he found on the internet - Amaryllis for dramatic, Iris for inspiration, Begonia for deep thoughts, and of coarse Rhododendron, which apparently meant beware despite how honestly pretty they were. Just like Perry) and wearing the dress that the self-proclaimed doctor had given him so long ago (well, he didn't really give him the dress so much as he zapped it on him with the ballgown-inator, which was meant to be a trap but had inadvertently distracted the evil scientist in an entirely different way than usual and had truthfully been the beginning of his strange attraction to his nemesis). In short, he looked gorgeous. Major Monogram lead him down the aisle behind the flower boy (Norm, who had initiated the flower petal cannon-inator that Doofenshmirtz had recently installed and was using it with gusto), ring bearer, an Indian boy who went by the name of Baljeet, and the ring bear, a burly boy named Buford (who had been Heinz's personal body guard for a time) who was wearing a bear suit and a red bow tie (Both boys were apparently close friends with his nemesis's hosts, which he found kind of ironic). Heinz felt a huge, boyish grin spread across his face as he watched his beautiful nemesis walking down the aisle towards him. Then Major Monogram took Heinz's hand and placed it upon the tiny teal hand of his nemesis. Doof looked up at the head of the OWCA, grin still in place.

"Thanks, Francis." The major gained a serious glare in his eyes, and leaned in the doctor's direction slightly.

"Take good care of him, doctor Doofenshmirtz. If anything happens to my top agent, I am holding you personally responsible."

"Seriously? I would never actually HURT him. It's HIM you have to worry about."

"I am." And then he stepped away and took his seat in the audience. Doofenshmirtz blinked at him, and then turned back to Rodney as the song ended, nervousness back.

"Ladies, gentlemen, and creatures of the court. We are gathered here today to witness the union of this … man, (Doof huffed and rolled his eyes) and this, eh, PLATYPUS. So, do you Heinz Doofenshmirtz, take this platypus to be your lawfully wedded nemesis, to have and to hold captive, to hate and to cherish, through good times and through bad times, in sickness and in health, till' death do you part?"

"Of coarse I do. Heck, I already do do all that, don't I? Huh."

"ANYWAY… do you, Perry the platypus, take this…man… to be your lawfully wedded nemesis, to have and to hold captive, to hate and to cherish, through good times and through bad times, in sickness and in health, till' death do you part?"

Perry chattered instantly. "That means yes… I mean… you DID just say yes, didn't you, Perry the Platypus?" Perry smirked and nodded, and Doofenshmirtz breathed a sigh of relief. Rodney looked a little confused, but continued with the ceremony anyway as the two nemeses looked at each other with such a sense of understanding, it was as if they were looking into each other's souls and having entire conversations with just their eyes.

"All…right then, if anyone has any reason why these two cannot be joined in unholy matrimony - BESIDES the obvious - please speak now or else forever hold your peace. PLEASE. … really? Nobody? No one at all? Huh. Well, then, may I have the rings?"

"Buford's got em'." Buford shouldered his way to the front of the stage, and held out the velvet pillow holding the two rings - both gold, with one noticeably smaller than the other. Doofenshmirtz took the tiny one, and Perry took the larger.

"Alright, then by the power vested in me by the League Of Villainous Evildoers Maniacally United For Frightening Investments in Naughtiness, I hereby pronounce you husband and nemesis. You may now - eugh - KISS the platypus. Or not. I would really prefer it if you didn't, actu-"

"Can it, Rodney."

As lips met bill in a passionate kiss, a few cringed in disgust for a single moment before everyone cheered in celebration, before piling into the reception room.

Lyla hugged both of them simultaneously with a bear hug that threatened to crush their lungs.

"Eep! I'm so HAPPY for you two!"

"Um, Lyla, we kinda need to breath in order to survive."

"Ooh! Sorry. Guess I don't know my own strength, Ay?"

"Clearly."

Peter offered a dual thumbs-up to the both of them. Perry tipped his hat to the panda, and Heinz ranted about how he was so relieved and how he thought the ex-nemesis might take it the wrong way before Perry tugged at his lab coat and gave him a meaningful look that said "don't." And even then he had to drag him away. Vanessa smirked at them.

"Always knew you two would end up together. Hey, Perry, welcome to the family." Monty strolled over at that point.

"Hey, agent P. Happy for you. Don't really know what you see in him, but happy nonetheless."

"I'm right here, ya know."

"Right, sorry. Hey, you be careful out there, Kay'?" Perry nodded and fist-bumped is boss's son, who hooked his arm through Vanessa's elbow and strolled off towards the dance floor. Monogram didn't think anything of it, because Perry had made sure the two got to dance when he made Monty one of his groomsmen. A night out of hiding should do both of them good. Then Stacy came over.

"Hey, Perry! Great to see everything worked out okay, what with the secrets and everything. You cool? I mean, you seemed a little freaked last time I saw you." Perry smiled, and the two embraced. Ever since that one incident and she found Perry out, he had come to her for guidance and companionship as a friend who knew about both his lives. She had become a valued friend to him, and often expressed casual concern over his well-being. Perry had, in fact, been a little freaked, but the author won't elaborate because of the potential plotline for another chapter.

Next Candace approached them.

"Well, Perry, I don't know what to tell ya. Honestly, still getting over the whole anthropomorphic thing. Congrats, I guess?" Perry smiled and chattered. "Right, Perry, you too… I guess." Candace looked up at Heinz. "Hey, you take care of the little meat brick, got it doc?" Doof raised an eyebrow. 

"Meat brick?"

Perry face-palmed. Great, his family was already slipping embarrassing information to his nemesis/spouse.

"Hey! Perry!"

Said platypus smiled. Family, while sometimes embarrassing, did have their perks. Perry turned around and smiled at his boys, as they both came in for a running group hug, which he returned with gusto. Doofenshmirtz watched from a small distance, happy to let his nemesis/spouse have this moment.


	2. Niagara Falls moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so - decided to make this a collection of my old perryshmirtz oneshots. Here's an episode-related one.

Dr. Bloodpudding safely in Canadian jail, doctor Doofenshmirtz made a strange request. "Let's go to Niagara Falls."

When the strange group - a platypus, a panda, a Major, an intern, a girl and an evil scientist - arrived on the scene, at first, everyone was silent. In the rare silence, Doofenshmirtz reflected on the day's events. It looked like his nemesis might have…a girlfriend. He glanced over at Lyla with distain. Perry noticed the way the doctor was looking at his new friend, and chattered quizzicaly. Doofenshmirtz glanced down at his nemesis, before sighing and looking off to the side.

"Oh - it's nothing, Perry the platypus. I was just thinking." The platypus looked at his forlorn nemesis, before grabbing a fistful of lab coat and pulling the druselstinian man off to the side. The he released his nemesis and turned too look at him sternly, arms folded and eyebrow quirked in a 'you're going to tell me what you're thinking about right now or else I'll beat the pants off of you until I get some answers' look. Doofenshmirtz sighed in guilt, grabbing the back of his neck and averting his gaze. "It's nothing, Perry the Platypus, it's just…" he made the mistake of glancing over at his nemesis, whose look became a fierce glare. Heinz threw his hands up in the air. "All right, all right, I'll talk!" The platypus waited patiently while the doctor gathered his thoughts. The doctor was looking elsewhere. "…you really like her, don't you?" Surprised, the platypus followed his nemesis's gaze. To Lyla Lolliberry. It was true, the platypus was rather fond of the girl. She was easily excitable, enthusiastic, talkative, capable, tall, with slightly messy brown hair and blue eyes that held a certain joyful and intelligent spark. Just like another person he knew. He smiled fondly at his nemesis and nodded. However, that only earned him a depressed sigh, to which he quirked his head in confusion. "…sorry, Perry the Platypus. It's just that… I never imagined you, getting a girlfriend. I mean, I can see why you like her, she's nice, attractive, capable, an agent, female- everything I'm not, and you HATE me, but I mean … what if this means you'll have less time to thwart me? Selfish, I know, but hey, I AM evil, aren't I?" Shocked, Perry ferociously shook his head. "What, are you saying I'm not evil?" The platypus deadpanned and shook his head again. "What, so I AM evil?" Perry nodded. "But, if that's not it, then what-" Perry pointed at himself, and then at Lyla, and shook his head, chattering. "What - so… you and Lyla AREN'T together?" Relieved, Perry nodded. "So … that means … YES! There's still hope! I mean … uhhh … there's still hope toooo… curse… you…?" The platypus had a very strange look on his face, a mixture of surprise, thought, and confusion. The suddenly hesitant evil scientist shifted from foot to foot, holding his hands behind his back and averting his gaze from the inquisitive eyes of the platypus. "I… um… I think I'll just… yeah… I'll go now." The doctor turned away towards Francis, before he felt a tug on his lab coat. He slowly turned his head to meet the serious gaze of the platypus, eyebrows scrunched together in worry. "Perry the Platypus…?" Perry's eyes slowly softened, his lids drooping to a comfortable half-lidded position, a soft smile spreading across his bill. The eccentric man with the wild brown hair understood his nemesis in the way that he always seemed to, and Heinz Doofenshmirtz felt a small smile creep onto his face, too. The two stared into each other's eyes for a moment, speaking without words. Eventually, the doctor sighed in relief, his smile broadening. "…thank you, Perry the Platypus." The two walked their way back towards the rest of the group, where they all stood in companionable silence. Doofenshmirtz felt a small, furry hand place itself upon his own, and looked back into the beautiful worn copper eyes of his nemesis, and they shared an understanding smile before returning their gaze to the beautiful chaos of Niagara falls, secretly enjoying the contact. Eventually, Perry turned and left. He had a home to get to, a pair of boys to take care of. One by one, the members of the odd group left, each having obligations outside of this little romantic coven. Doofenshmirtz, however, stayed long after everyone else had left. He had no obligations, no family to return to, no job he had to wake up early for in the morning. Like so many other times in his life, Heinz Doofenshmirtz was alone.  
But, unlike all those other times, he had something to think about other than his growing resentment towards the universe in general. He mulled over the day's events. He had started the day knowing that things would be different that day - he had known that he would be thwarted, not in his purple apartment in the sky, but in a whole other country - or, to be more specific, on the border of a whole other country. What he didn't expect was for his nemesis to show up with a girl, or to be betrayed by his exchange buddy, or to fight as if he were on the side of good instead of evil - and, most of all, he did not expect to take this strange relationship he had with his nemesis to the next level. He sighed, and his train of thought took a different direction as he wondered about something vaguely irrelevant to his feelings with his nemesis but still something worth pondering. "I wondered how the Cloud-Magnetiz-inator turned out."


	3. Badly written date-ish thing. (IDK)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> REALLY short, REALLY old little oneshot. Heck, it doesn't even look like I FINISHED this one. But, I forgot where I WAS going, since I wrote this YEARS ago. But, it's somewhat relevant, and I believe that all fanfiction should be shared with the fandom, no matter HOW horrible, so... yeah.

"Ah, Perry the Platypus… no, no, that's too ORDINARY. I ALWAYS say that when he comes over… but, then again, maybe I should be, you know, CASUAL… okay, so I'll say it without my usual malice. Ah, Perry the Platypus! How unexpected, by which I mean expected, of coarse, because, you know, you DO come here every day… into my home… unannounced… so we could… ugh, okay, that's just accusatory. Ah, Perry the Platypus, how are you? No traps today, just…"

While Doofenshmirtz was practicing his monologue, Perry landed on the balcony and watched his nemesis ramble for a few moments, an amused smirk plastered on his face. He walked behind the doctor, and tugged on his lab coat.

"Not now, Perry the platypus, I'm practicing for when Perry the platypus gets here." A moment of science passed, before Doofenshmirtz comically spun around, shocked. "PERRY THE PLATYPUS!" Perry rolled his eyes and nodded, smile still in place.

"Oh, um… eh heh… I was just… yeah." More akward silence passed, before the doctor cleared his throat and moved on.

"So, you're… here. Probably wondering why I'm wearing a tux, huh?" The platypus shrugged. He was used to the doctor's strange ways. Heinz sighed, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously.

"Well, I was… I was hoping we could … I mean, me and you… could go out together?" The platypus gave the doctor a strange look. "Yeah, I know we've gone out before … numerous times … but this time, it's … different. Not just because it's a date, I mean, we've had those before, it's just… yeah." Perry gave his nemesis an amused smirk, and took his hand, chattering. Their relationship had been steadily growing for quite some time, but they had officially started dating after the Canadian train incident.


	4. Accidental Chess-inator related kiss (featuring Perry the Platyknight!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, it gets rather rambly and philosophical towards the end, but there's a pretty darn awesome description of what Perryshmirtz kisses must feel like, with the whole bill thing... Involves vivid descriptions of Platypus anatomy, (though they don't actually make out - it's just, like, "accidental lip touch, holy cow, I had no idea bills were this soft and squishy" While Perry's freaking out because "HOLY DONKLEBERRIES DOOF HAS WAY TOO MUCH ORGANIC ELECTRICITY MY BILL SENSES ARE GOING INSANE THIS IS WAY TOO OVERWHELMING I CAN'T EVEN MOVE OMG SENSORY OVERLOAD GET THE HECK OFF ME" so... yeah! Enjoy!)

"...so that's why I hate checkers. Anyway, behold! The chess-iator! With it, I can replace every game of checkers in the Tri-state area with a game of chess! Now, chess, that's a good game, not like checkers at ALL…"

As soon as his nemesis had finally revealed the day's -inator and it's function, Perry started to search for a way to escape his trap (it was a platypus-sized chess piece - a black knight, to be more specific. Doofenshmirtz had made a Batman-related joke that shall not be dictated because of copyright violations due to the fact that Disney does not own the DC comics universe. Which is pretty sad, because they would have done Robin more justice than Cartoon Network has.) Eventually, Perry realized that the chess piece had a sticky game piece bottom rather than solid … whatever chess pieces are made out of, and could be quite easily removed if he just applied pressure, which freed his feet. Doofenshmirtz comically didn't notice when a platypus-sized chess piece waddled by him - until he realized it was heading towards the self-destruct button.

"Perry the Platyknight, you get back here!" Doofenshmirtz lunged at Perry, who ducked, which sent the doctor over his head. There was a series of crashing sounds, involving screeching tires and a cat meowing, Doofenshmirtz, who didn't seem to have learned his lesson the first time, lunged at him again. This time Perry hopped at the last second, landing on top of Doof's upper back. He crossed his legs around the doctor's neck and twisted, slamming the face of his enemy into the floor.

"Oww… I'll get you for that!" Doofenshmirtz caught the platypus off-guard by flipping over, resulting in Perry (still in the chess piece) lying on his back on the floor, with Doofenshmirtz on top of him. However, the Doctor had miscalculated Perry's initial distance from him, and his face had ended up at a closer proximity to the Platypus's face than expected.

Now, the duck-billed platypus has a rather strange and interesting anatomy, full of unusual quirks that make the creature so unique. One of the most prominent parts of their anatomy is their bill, which is full of many interesting attributes. First would be the texture, which unlike the hard bill of a duck, is rather soft and rubbery. This is because the bill is covered with millions of tiny sensitive button-like structures, which allow for a sixth sense. This sixth sense allows the duck-billed platypus to navigate murky waters, and find prey. To find the prey, the bill not only senses the form of the creatures they eat, but also picks up on the organic electricity that allows basic bodily functions needed for the survival of all organic life within the kingdom Animalia. This lead to a rather interesting experience for both parties participating in the unexpected kiss. Perry had always known that his nemesis's organic electricity was above average, most likely a result of high brain activity - an attribute he took advantage of often when trying to locate the man. However, to have all his sensors pressed simultaneously, with one of the parts of the human body with the thinnest skin, by a man with an already unusually high level of organic electricity, was a sensation that was almost overwhelming. For the man, however, it was not sensation that overwhelmed him and kept him frozen. While this was, indeed, Perry's first kiss, the scientist had numerous romances in his past, and while most of those romances ended horribly before they even really began, the man was not alien to the feeling of lip contact - although he could honestly say that this was the first time he had ever kissed a platypus. No, it was shock that had kept him frozen, along with a small dash of wonder. Who knew that bill was so soft, that it had so much give to it? Sure, it was a little cold, but that seemed to make it better somehow, and it might be kinda slimy, which was totally gross, but also kinda soothing, and…  
While the evil scientist was caught up in his internal monologue, the secret agent struggled to unfog his mind enough to do something. It was really hard to think straight enough to shove his nemesis off, though, through the explosions of chemicals and chaos of NEW that was surging through him. Eventually, though, he gained enough hard-earned resolve to lift his hind legs and plant a firm kick in the self-proclaimed doctor's chest. Doof flew backwards, and Perry used the momentum of the kick to swing himself into a recuperating kneel disguised as a fighting stance. Doof stared at him with a slightly dazed "WTF JUST HAPPENED" expression on his face while Perry hid his face with the fedora, not trusting his eyes to form a glare while he tried to regain his dignity.  
"Uhhh…" Perry leapt forward, kicking his nemesis in the face, and the fight resumed as if nothing had happened. That day, Phineas and Ferb's giant checkers arena, played using UFO-like hovercrafts, was turned into a giant chess arena and stolen by ancient French soldiers just as Candace and Stacy arrived, after a small adventure involving a ducky momo fanclub that wouldn't let Candace join. Just an average day - but, like many average days of that summer, things changed, if only slightly. Like the day that Carl met Monty, or the day Candace subconsciously decided that her brother's safety and companionship was far more important than any bust, or the day that Buford realised how horrible a wedgie felt, or the day Isabella decided to simply accept Phineas's friendship for the time being and started truly being herself around him rather than desperately trying to get his attention, or the day that Irving became a friend rather than just some creepy fanboy, or the day Buford stopped being a bully. Some of these changes could be tied to a single event, but most happened gradually, through not one, but many days. But most times, coincidence was a needed force to push everyone in the right direction - coincidences such as this one, where lips met bill in the heat of the battle, and they each had something more to contemplate when wondering about each other and the strange relationship they had.


	5. Doof Proposes (for legal reasons) - AKA how Doofenshmirtz finds a loophole on OWCA policy which allows Phineas and Ferb to know about Perry's secret

"… but, now that you all know about your pet's secret identity, we'll have to put you through the amnesia-inator again."

"What? But…"

"Hold it! Hold everything!" Everyone turned around in surprise as a certain disheveled doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz burst into the scene, waving around a bunch of papers. Major Monogram narrowed his eyes and folded his arms impatiently.

"Doofenshmirtz. What are you doing here?"

"Yeah, it's nice to see you too, Francis, especially since I just saved your BUTT."

"Alright, fine - hello, thank you for saving my life. Now why are you here? I was in the middle of breaking the hearts of these two boys in a businesslike manner."

"No, you weren't! Because I found a loophole!"

"A loophole? Impossible!"

"Well, obviously it IS possible, because I just found it!" Doofenshmirtz waved the papers for emphasis, before Major Monogram snatched them from his hands. He skimmed the papers, and looked at Doofenshmirtz, a confused look in his eyes.

"This isn't a loophole, Doofenshmirtz. This is the nemeses for life agreement."

"Exactly! If Perry and I sign this document, it means that you can never reassign Perry the Platypus to another nemesis… OR another host family. Therefore, if we agree to this, your whole reassignment threat becomes invalid! I should know, I had my ex-wife look over this, and she's an attorney."

"Wait… so does that mean we get to keep Perry?" Doofenshmirtz smiled at the little red-haired inventor.

"That's right! Perry the Platypus gets to stay with you guys - and with me - forever!" Then Doofenshmirtz let out a short evil laugh, before clearing his throat and looking at Perry sheepishly. "Well, I mean, that is… as long as YOU want to, Perry the Platypus." The platypus looked at the doctor for a long while. Doofenshmirtz face-palmed. "Right, I should ask you this properly. Hold on - " he reached into his lab coat pocket, pulling out a medium-sized black cube with a red button on top. He kneeled down on one knee and placed the device on the ground. He pressed the red button, and looked at Perry meaningfully as a mechanical hand emerged from the device, holding a smaller black box, and stopped just in front of Perry's face. He looked at the box wearily, before it popped open, revealing… a teal-colored diamond, set in a small golden ring. Perry's eyes popped wide open in shock, as Doofenshmirtz made a small rant. "Perry the Platypus, we've been together for quite some time… we've each tried fighting other people, and I'm not sure it it's the same for you, but for me? An evil scheme is never complete without you there to thwart me. And so, I started thinking that… maybe we should seal the deal. And so, behold, the propose-inator… with it, I'm going t ask you a very important question that will change both our lives forever. Perry the Platypus… will you be my lifelong nemesis?" Perry looked at the box for a long time, a small furrow on his forehead as he scrunched his eyebrows in concentration, debating with himself. Finally, he smiled and nodded. Doofenshmirtz squealed in pure joy. "Oh, THANK YOU, Perry the Platypus!!!" Perry let out a startled little chatter as he was swept up and clutched tightly to his nemesis's chest, and clung tightly to the white fabric of the lab coat.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa…. Wait… did my pet platypus just agree to marry Dr. D?" Everyone stared at him for a moment, before Perry slowly nodded his head. Phineas put a hand to his forehead, pinching the bridge of his enormous triangular nose, his other hand on his hip as he tried to process what just happened. "… I think I need to sit down."


	6. Australians don't know a thing

They brought their hovercraft into the parking space. Doofenshmirtz turned the key to the ignition, and looked over at the dolled-up platypus sitting in the shotgun seat. The teral-furred agent looked back at his obviously nervous driver.  
“Well, Perry the Platypus... we’re here.”  
Perry nodded with an expectantly sarcastic expression. Doofenshmirtz flung his arms in the air in a wildly distressed reaction.  
“Oh, don’t LOOK at me like that, Perry the Platypus, I might have an ex- wife, but this is COMPLETELY new to me!!! I mean, this is... this is YOU! And... and ME! And.... I mean... US!!!! Together? What will people THINK, I mean, okay, SURE, our FRIENDS were okay with it, but these are STRANGERS, they don’t KNOW us, what if one of them calls the POLICE, or-”  
His words were stopped dead by a teal hand smacking him across the face. Then another teal hand gently the evil scientist’s cheek and gently pushed his face to force his panicked blue eyes to meet stern brown ones. Perry placed his other hand over the scrawny man’s heart. The evil Scientist glanced down to set his eyes upon two rings- one blue diamond set in a simple silver ring, and another golden band engraved with the word “nemesis”. Doofenshmirtz lifted his eyes to meet the comforting molten chocolate gaze of his new spouse. The evil scientist took a deep, calming breath, then smiled at his lover.  
“Okay, Perry the Platypus. You’re right. We’re in this together. It’s what we signed up for- literally. So... alright. Let’s do this.” Perry nodded, satisfied by his new husband’s resolve, and moved to exit the hovercraft- only to find himself lifted by a pair of long, labcoat-donned arms. He chattered in indignation.  
“Oh, don’t BE like that, Perry the Platypus, we both know it’s EASIER this way than if you tried carrying ME. And besides, YOU’RE the one wearing the dress.” Perry looked down on himself and huffed in annoyance, crossing his teal arms over his flat platypus chest. It was true- Phineas had pointed out it would be kinder to the guests if Doofenshmirtz refrained from wearing women’s clothing, and before he knew it Perry was the designated bride of the ceremony. That didn’t mean he had to ACT like a wife, though. But the doctor was right- Perry WAS smaller, and therefore easier to carry. Plus, the platypus thought, smirking as his husband struggled with the luggage, it meant he had less to carry. Doofenshmirtz glanced down at his spouse.  
“Oh, don’t LOOK at me like that, Perry the Platypus, these bags are HEAVY!!!” In response, Perry let out a little platy-chuckle, snuggling into his nemesis.

The doctor burst into the reception room, breathless and exhausted. Everyone in the room turned to stare. It must have been a strange sight- a tall, scrawny man, wearing a tuxedo and a labcoat, dragging luggage behind him, carrying a teal platypus that was wearing a fedora and a wedding dress. He dragged the luggage to the reception desk (with much effort) and paused, kneeling over to catch his breath as everyone stared. Eventually, when he could breathe normally, he straightened himself out and smiled at the receptionist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Perry and Doof arrive in Australia to begin their honeymoon - but the hotel receptionist is concerned about endangered animals and bestiality. It's up to Perry to prove to these nincompoops that, yes, he IS anthropomorphic, and yes, he DOES want to be with his HUSBAND on his WEDDING NIGHT, and that no, this man is NOT committing bestiality, because whilst he may be an endangered animal, Perry is a PERSON who can think for HIMSELF. (or, at least, that's the direction this chapter was going in. I lost the rest of it.)


End file.
